THE WALL: a blog of Baptist Voice Ministries

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange takes place…. The man says, “What’s
the problem officer?”

Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”

Man: “No sir, I was going 65.”

Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”

Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.”

Man: “Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.”

The man turns to his wife and yells, “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your
husband talk to you this way all the time?”

The wife says, “No, only when he’s drunk.”

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a
monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the
door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I
could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even
fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears
a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks
what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you.
You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and
goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of
the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him,
even fix his car. That night, he hears the same
strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks
reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to
know. If the only way I can find out what that sound
was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”

The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell
us how many blades of grass there are and the exact
number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers,
you will become a monk.”

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later,
he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He
says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what
you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades
of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the
earth.”

The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the
head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. may I have the key?” The monks
give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the
wooden door is another door made of stone. The man
demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him
the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of
ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who
provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one
made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone
through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst…
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the
last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks
the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is
amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a
monk.

A couple of nuns, who worked as nurses, had gone out to
the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back
home they ran out of gas. They were standing beside their
car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver
stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed
some gas.

The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some
from his tank but he didnt have a bucket or can. One of
the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he
could use it. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple
of quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the
nuns and left.

The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into
their gas tank when a highway patrol officer arrived.
The trooper stopped and watched for a moment, then he
said, “Sisters, I don’t think it will work, but I sure do admire
your faith!”

This Christian couple felt it important to own an equally Christian pet.
So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular
breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.
When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a
flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed,
purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new dog
and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.
The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any
of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they
hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks.
Well, they said, “Let’s try this out.”
Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the
command, “Heel!”

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s
forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into
Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and
kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all
the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into
Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

“Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”