“Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets.”

“Hello, this is Sally’s microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I’m stuck taking her calls. If you’d like anything cooked
while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.”

“Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub. Their carpets are always
clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need any
pictures taken. They believe the stock market is a random crapshoot, and the
entire insurance industry is one huge scam perpetrated by Mafioso
accountants. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number, and they
will get back to you.”

“Hi. I am probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a
message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.”

“This is not an answering machine: this is a telepathic thought recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and
a number where you can be reached, and my owner will think about returning

“Hi, this is George. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.”

“If you are a burglar, then we’re probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can’t come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren’t home,
and it’s safe to leave us a message.”

“You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very, sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message.”