This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on
the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, ‘What was that for?’

She replies, ‘What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with
the name Marylou written on it?’

He says, ‘Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse
races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.’

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later
he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying
pan swatting.

He says, ‘What’s that for this time?’

She answered, ‘Your horse called!’

So the big game hunter gets talked into taking both his wife AND her
mother along on one of his expeditions.

It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get
along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters
worse, she won’t even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep
the safari safe.

One night after dinner, the hunter’s wife realizes her mother is
missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to
institute a search.

He sighs, and together they set out. But before they’ve gone far, they
hear throaty growling – and soon they come upon a small clearing in
which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly
impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.

The wife whispers urgently, “What are we going to do?”

“Nothing whatever,” responds her husband. “The lion got himself into
this mess, now let him get himself out of it.”

(By Author Unknown)

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was

“Well,” said the farmer. “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.”

“Praise choruses?” asked the wife. “What are those?

“Oh, they’re okay. They’re sort of like hymns, only different,” said the farmer.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked the wife.

The farmer said, “Well it’s like this … If I were to say to you, ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a hymn. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you, ‘Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh, Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, in the CORN, CORN, CORN, COOOOORRRRRNNNNN,’ then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well that would be a praise chorus.”

As luck would have it, the exact same Sunday a young, new Christian from the city church attended the small town church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.

“Well,” said the young man, “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs.”

“Hymns?” asked the wife. “What are those?”

“They’re okay. They’re sort of like regular songs, only different,” said the young man.

“Well, what’s the difference?” asked the wife.

The young man said, “Well it’s like this … If I were to say to you, ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn,’ well that would be a regular song. If on the other hand, I were to say to you,

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry

Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.

Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by

To the righteous, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain

There in their heads is no shadow of sense,

Hearkenest they in God’s sun or his rain

Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,

Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.

Then goaded by minions of darkness and night

They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn chewed.

So look to that bright shining day by and by,

Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn

Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry

And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn,

then, if I were to do only verses one, three and four, and change keys on the last verse, well that would be a hymn.”

We do not have a happy report to give. We’ve not been able to find a suitable candidate for this church, though we have one promising prospect still. We do appreciate all the suggestions from the church members, and we’ve followed up each one with interviews or calling at least three references. The following is our confidential report on the present candidates.

• Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
• Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with no converts. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

• Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
• Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
• Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
• David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.

• Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
• Elijah: Prone to depression-collapses under pressure.
• Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
• Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife’s occupation.

• Deborah: Female.
• Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of foreign river.
• Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
• Jonah: Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

• Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.
• John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
• Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper—even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

• Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
• Timothy: Too young.
• Jesus: Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single.
• Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.

A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership to
pick up their car, but were told that the keys had been
accidentally locked in it. They went to the service department
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s
side door.

As they watched from the passenger’s side, the guy
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was
open.

“Hey,” the man announced to the technician, “it’s open!”

“I know,” answered the young man. “I already got that side.”