GRIN AND SHARE IT: “Manic Depression”


Manic Depression

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license.
To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the
driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural
drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly
behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery
after all those months of sitting in the front passenger
seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy
to his old man.

“Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit back here and
kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you
have been doing to me for sixteen years.”

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“How often should the Lord’s Supper / Communion be observed?”


The Bible nowhere instructs us how often we should take communion. 1 Corinthians 11:24-26 records the following instructions for communion: “…the Lord Jesus in the night in which he was betrayed took bread; And giving thanks, He broke it and said, ‘Take, eat; this is My body, which is broken for you; this do in remembrance of Me.’ In the same way He took the cup also, after supping, saying, ‘This cup is the New Covenant in My blood; as often as you drink it, do this in remembrance of Me.’ For ‘as often as you eat this bread and drink this cup, you show’ the Lord’s death until He shall come.” This passage gives all the instructions we need to perform the rite of communion and to understand the significance of what we are doing.

The bread which He broke in half represents His body which was broken on the cross for us. The cup represents the blood He shed on our behalf, sealing a covenant between Him and us. Each time we perform the communion ritual, we are not only remembering what He did for us, but we are “showing” it as well to all who watch and all who participate. This is a beautiful and graphic picture of what happened at the cross, what it means, and how it impacts our lives as believers.

It would seem, then, that since we take the Lord’s Supper to remember Christ’s death and shed blood, we should take it fairly often. Some churches have a monthly Lord’s Supper service, others do it bi-monthly, others weekly. Since the Bible does not give us specific instruction as to frequency, there is some latitude in how often a church should observe the Lord’s Supper. It should be often enough to renew focus on Christ, without being so often that it become routine. In any case, it’s not the frequency that matters, but the heart attitude of those who participate. We should partake with reverence, love, and a deep sense of gratitude for the Lord Jesus, who was willing to die on the cross to take upon Himself our sins.

While we should not be dogmatic about the time of day we observe the Lord’s Supper, it is noteworthy that it is called “The Lord’s Supper” not “The Lord’s Breakfast/or Lunch.”

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GRIN AND SHARE IT: “How To Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes”


Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

[English phrase] — [Chinese Interpretation]

Are you harboring a fugitive? — Hu Yu Hai Ding?
*
See me A.S.A.P. — Kum Hia Nao
*
Stupid Man — Dum Gai
*
Small Horse — Tai Ni Po Ni
*
Did you go to the beach? — Wai Yu So Tan?
*
I bumped into a coffee table. — Ai Bang Mai Ni
*
I think you need a facelift. — Chin Tu Fat
*
It’s very dark in here. — Wai So Dim?
*
Has your flight been delayed? — Hao Long Wei Ting?
*
That was an unauthorized execution. — Lin Ching
*
I thought you were on a diet. — Wai Yu Mun Ching?
*
This is a tow away zone. — No Pah King
*
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? — Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
*
You are not very bright. — Yu So Dum
*
I got this for free. — Ai No Pei
*
I am not guilty. — Wai Hang Mi?
*
Please, stay a while longer. — Wai Go Nao?
*
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. — Wai Yu Kum Nao
*
They have arrived. — Hia Dei Kum
*
Stay out of sight. — Lei Lo
*
He’s cleaning his automobile. — Wa Shing Ka
*
Your body odor is offensive. — Yu stin ki pu

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“What is the year 2012 Mayan prophecy?”



The ancient Mayans, based on star charting, prophesied that December 21, 2012, would be the end of the world (or at least the date of some type of universal catastrophe). Meso-American star charting started around 680 B.C. in the Olmec civilization, who recorded astrological patterns and eventually shared this information with the Mayans. The Mayans had a long history of tracking the winter solstice (probably for planting crops) and creating calendars (at least 17 that we know of). At some point, they developed the belief that the sun is a god and that the Milky Way, which they called the “Sacred Tree,” was a gateway to the afterlife. After learning from the Olmecs, the Mayans kept records of the stars’ patterns of movement for the next 200-300 years.

The Mayans developed their own calendar (The Long Count) ca. 355 B.C. They were able to use their observations and mathematical prowess to calculate the future movements of stars across the sky. The result was that the Mayans discovered the effect of the earth’s wobbling as it spins on its axis. This wobbling rotation causes the stars’ movements to drift gradually in the sky (an effect called “precession”) in a 5,125-year cycle. The Mayans also discovered that once every cycle the dark band at the center of the Milky Way (called the “Galactic Equator”) intersects the Elliptical (the plane of the sun’s movement across the sky).

During the year of the intersection, the sun reaches its solstice (a brief moment when the sun’s position in the sky is at its greatest angular distance on the other side of the equatorial plane from the observer) on December 21 for the Northern Hemisphere and June 21 for the Southern Hemisphere. At that time, the solstice occurs at the same moment of the conjunction of the Galactic Equator with the Milky Way. The year this occurs (in relation to our Gregorian calendar) is A.D. 2012, and happened last on August 11, 3114 B.C. With Mayan mythology teaching that the sun is a god and the Milky Way is the gateway to life and death, the Mayans concluded that this intersection in the past must have been the moment of creation. Mayan hieroglyphs seem to indicate that they believed the next intersection (in 2012) would be some sort of end and a new beginning of a cycle.

All the so-called “Mayan prophecies of 2012” are nothing more than wildly speculative extrapolations, based on the yet-uncertain interpretations by scholars of Mayan hieroglyphs. The truth is that, apart from the astrological convergence, there is little indication that the Mayans prophesied anything specific regarding the events in their distant future. The Mayans were not prophets; they were not even able to predict their own cultural extinction. They were great mathematicians and accomplished sky watchers, but they were also a brutally violent tribal people with a primitive understanding of natural phenomena, subscribing to archaic beliefs and the barbaric practices of blood-letting and human sacrifice. (They believed, for example, that the blood of human sacrifices powered the sun and gave it life.)

There is absolutely nothing in the Bible that would present December 21, 2012, as the end of the world. While that date is no less valid for an end-times event than any other future date, the Bible nowhere presents the astronomical phenomena the Mayans pointed to as a sign of the end times. It would seem inconsistent of God to allow the Mayans to discover such an amazing truth while keeping the many Old Testament prophets ignorant of the timing of the events. In summary, there is absolutely no biblical evidence that the 2012 Mayan prophecy / prediction of doomsday is in any sense valid or probable.

Accepting the Mayan 2012 prophecy requires acceptance of the following theories: our sun is a god; the sun is powered by the blood of human sacrifice; the creation moment occurred at 3114 B.C. (despite all evidence that it happened much earlier); and the visual alignment of stars has some significance for everyday human life. Like every other false religion, the Mayan religion sought to elevate the creation instead of the Creator Himself. The Bible tells us about such false worshipers: “They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator” (Romans 1:25), and “since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities – His eternal power and divine nature – have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse” (Romans 1:20). To accept the Mayan 2012 prophecy also denies the clear biblical teaching about the end of the world. Jesus told us, “Of that day and hour no one knows, no, not the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but the Father” (Mark 13:32).

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GRIN AND SHARE IT: “Doughboy Dead at 71”



Doughboy Dead at 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a
severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the
largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities
turned out including: Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry
Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was
piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the
eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was
kneaded.”


Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled
with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,
squandering much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as
a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived
by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The
funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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“Is it wrong to attend two (or more) different churches?”


The New Testament does not directly address the subject of attending two or more different churches. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians begins, “To the church of God in Corinth” (1 Corinthians 1:2), indicating one church, whereas the book of Galatians begins with “to the churches in Galatia” (Galatians 1:2), indicating more than one in the area. In any case, either people did not attend more than one gathering, or the issue did not warrant Paul’s attention. Today, however, with multiple local churches in cities—and even in small towns—the question of whether to attend more than one church on a regular basis does arise.

First, it is important to understand the purpose of church attendance and/or membership. When Christians unite with a local body of believers, they are following the model for the local church as seen in Acts 2:41-42: “Those who accepted his [Peter’s] message were baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day. They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.” These early Christians met in the temple courts and in their own homes to continue in praise and worship (Acts 2:46-47). In addition, believers came together to minister to one another the gifts of the Holy Spirit, who distributes those gifts to His people in order for us to edify—build up—one another in the faith (Ephesians 4:7-13).

The question becomes whether we can effectively pray, fellowship, sit under teaching, and use our spiritual gifts with two or more groups of Christians at the same time. Because the Bible is silent on the issue, we cannot be dogmatic about it. But what we can do is address the issue of motivation—what prompts Christians to feel led to spread their church attendance around to multiple churches and what are the effects and implications of doing so.

Sadly, too often people “church hop” to more than one local body with the intention of picking and choosing something from each one because they feel they cannot find one church that “meets their needs” or gives them everything they think they should be getting from a church. They may attend one church for the music, another for the preaching, and a third for the social gatherings. The problem with this line of thinking is that Christians are to align themselves with a group of believers in order to give, not to get. We are to be actively serving and ministering to one another with the spiritual gift we have received from the Spirit, and when we spend minimal time in each group, we cannot do that effectively. In addition, we give the impression that we are not committed to the believers or the leadership in any one church, and that is a poor witness to others.

While there may be legitimate reasons for someone to attend two or more churches, and nothing in the Bible forbids it, it is hard to see how such a practice could fully benefit either the believer or the local churches he or she attends.

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GRIN AND SHARE IT: “Actual Patient Charts”



Patient Charts

The following are comments from doctors as recorded on patient charts.

“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.”

“On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared
completely.”

“The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.”

“The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.”

“Discharge status: Alive but without permission.”

“Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.”

“The patient refused an autopsy.”

“Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.”

“Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.”

“Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.”

“She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.”

“She is numb from her toes down.”

“While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.”

“The skin was moist and dry.”

“Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.”

“Patient was alert and unresponsive.”

“She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.”

“I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.”

“The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stockbroker instead.”

“Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities.”

“Skin: Somewhat pale but present.”

“Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on
the abdomen, and I agree.”

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“What are the most common things people think are in the Bible that are not actually in the Bible?”


 In Psalm 119:16, David promises God, “I shall delight in Your statues; I shall not forget Your word.” In Deuteronomy 11:18-19, God exhorts the Israelites, “You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul; and you shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall teach them to your sons, talking of them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road and when you lie down and when you rise up.” As believers, we know we are to study the Bible, memorize it, and obey it. But does the Bible say what we think it says? The truth is, there are several phrases that sound like they come from the Bible, but do not.

God helps those who help themselves.
The earliest recording of this saying is actually from Aesop’s fable “Hercules and the Waggoner.” A man’s wagon got stuck in a muddy road, and he prayed for Hercules to help. Hercules appeared and said, “Get up and put your shoulder to the wheel.” The moral given was “The gods help them that help themselves.” Aesop was a Greek writer who lived from 620 to 564 BC, but obviously did not contribute to the Bible. As a biblical truism, the proverb has mixed results. We can do nothing to help when it comes to salvation; salvation is through Christ alone. In the work of sanctification—becoming more spiritually mature—we are to join in the work. 1 Peter 1:14-15 says, “As obedient children, do not be conformed to the former lusts which were yours in your ignorance, but like the Holy One who called you, be holy yourselves also in all your behavior.”

Cleanliness is next to godliness
Despite the strict rules given to the Israelites about uncleanness as a metaphor for sinfulness and ceremonial washing required by the priests (see: Exodus, Leviticus), this phrase is not in the Bible. It originated as an ancient Babylonian and Hebrew proverb, but became very popular during the Victorian era after being revived by Sir Francis Bacon and John Wesley. Is the proverb true beyond the metaphor? A new study shows that people are generally fairer and more generous when in a clean-smelling environment. But Jesus also exhorts us to worry more about the sin in our hearts than the dirt on our hands (Matthew 7:18-23).

In the last days, you will not be able to know the seasons except for the changing of the leaves.
Even a thorough Google search will not reveal the origin of this saying, but it is not found in the Bible. Matthew 24:32-33 uses the budding of leaves heralding the coming of summer as a metaphor for the signs that Christ will return. But nowhere does the Bible mention that seasons will be so altered that only the changing leaves will identify them.

It is better to cast your seed in the belly of a whore than to spill it out on the ground.
This verse is usually used to justify fornication or adultery over masturbation. It is one more misinterpretation of the story of Onan in Genesis 38:6-10. Onan’s brother died, and Onan had the responsibility of marrying his brother’s wife to provide an heir. Instead, Onan “wasted his seed on the ground in order not to give offspring to his brother.” This passage isn’t even about masturbation; God struck Onan down because he selfishly refused to provide an heir for his brother’s inheritance. In addition, the proverb is inaccurate. In no way would the Bible encourage the use of anyone other than a spouse for sexual gratification. Instead, we are called to not allow physical appetites to control us (1 Corinthians 6:12-20).

Hate the sin, love the sinner.
Although this is a biblical-sounding admonition, it is not directly from the Bible. It’s a quote from Mahatma Gandhi. As a guideline, it’s valid. We are to hate sin—even our own. And we are to show love to all others. Gandhi’s quote is coming under fire in the world as more and more people define themselves by their sin and resent the guidelines God has given us in His Word.

Money is the root of all evil.
This is a common misconception with an easy fix. 1 Timothy 6:10 actually says, “For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil…” Money is not good or bad, and being wealthy is not a sin; Job was wealthy and described as a man who was “blameless, upright, fearing God and turning away from evil” (Job 1:1). Loving money, which in the Greek is “avarice” and infers an emotional affection, is the root of all sorts of evil as the desire to accumulate wealth is placed above God and others.

This too shall pass.
This is actually a misinterpretation of a line from “The Lament of Doer,” an Old English poem. Doer has been replaced as his lord’s poet, and calls to mind several other Germanic mythological figures who went through troubled times. Each refrain ends with, “that passed away, so may this.” Several verses in the Bible remind us that our lives and, indeed, heaven and earth will pass away (Matthew 24:35). But while we can find comfort knowing that our earthly sorrows are temporary, we’re still called to rejoice in our trials, knowing that they will lead to endurance and sanctification (James 1:2-4).

The lion shall lie down with the lamb.
Although Jesus is both the Lion of Judah and the Lamb of God (Revelation 5), this phrase does not appear in the Bible. Isaiah 11:6 says, “And the wolf will dwell with the lamb, and the leopard will lie down with the young goat, and the calf and the young lion and the fatling together; and a little boy will lead them.” Similarly, Isaiah 65:25 reads, “The wolf and the lamb will graze together and the lion will eat straw like an ox…” The sentiment reads true, however—hunter and prey will be reconciled and live in peace in the eternal kingdom.

God left us the Bible as a written testimony of His Word. His truth is found in the Bible. Some sayings are simple rewordings of biblical truth, but others are dangerous heresy. Despite how clever or even edifying a quote may be, if it isn’t in the Bible, we have no guarantee that it is the Word of God. And the only way we’ll know is if we read the Bible.

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“What does the Bible say about rape?”


The Bible does address the issue of rape. As expected, when the Bible mentions the crime of rape, it is depicted as a gross violation of God’s design for the treatment of the human body (Genesis 34). The Bible condemns rape whenever it is mentioned. For example, there is a particular passage in the laws given to the nation of Israel before entering the Promised Land under Joshua’s leadership. This passage (Deuteronomy 22:13-29) spoke directly against forcing a woman into a sexual encounter against her will, or what we know today as rape. This command was meant to protect women and to protect the nation of Israel from committing sinful actions.

Deuteronomy 22:25-27 mentioned the punishment the Mosaic Law commanded for a man who raped a woman. The man was to be killed by stoning while the woman was considered innocent. Though the Mosaic Law was for the nation of Israel during the time of Moses, the principle is clear that rape was sinful in the eyes of God and led to the most extreme punishment possible—death for the rapist.

There are some difficult passages in the Old Testament, however, in relation to this issue. Critics of the Bible are quick to point to Numbers 31 (and other similar passages) in which the Israelites were allowed to take female captives from nations they conquered. Critics make the accusation that this is an example of the Bible condoning, or even promoting, rape. However, the passage says nothing about raping the captive women. It is wrong to assume that the captive women were to be raped. Again, Deuteronomy 22:25-27 condemns rape, even advocating the death penalty for perpetrators of rape. In the Numbers 31 passage the soldiers were commanded to purify themselves and their captives (verse 19). Rape would have violated this command (see Leviticus 15:16-18). The women who were taken captive are never referred to as sexual objects. Did the captive women likely eventually marry amongst the Israelites? Yes. Is there any indication that rape or sex slavery was forced upon the women? Absolutely not.

In the New Testament, rape is not mentioned directly, but within the Jewish culture of its writers, rape would have been considered as sexual immorality. As such, both Jesus and His followers (including the apostle Paul) spoke against sexual immorality, even offering it as justifiable grounds for divorce when a person actively committed sexual acts outside of the bond of marriage (Matthew 5:32). This would not, however, apply to the victim of rape, only the one who committed the act.

Further, the New Testament is clear that Christians are to obey the laws of their governing authorities (Romans 13). Not only is rape morally wrong; it is also wrong according to the laws of our governing authorities. As such, anyone who would commit this crime should expect dire consequences, including arrest and imprisonment.

To the victims of rape, much care and compassion must be offered. God’s Word often speaks about helping those in need and in vulnerable situations. Christians would do well to practice these teachings and model the love and compassion of Christ by assisting victims of rape in any way possible.

To those who have committed rape, we must remember two things. First, people are responsible for the sins they commit. Second, however, no one is beyond the grace of God. Even in the lives of those who have committed the vilest of sins, God can extend forgiveness to any who will repent and turn from their evil ways (1 John 1:9). This does not remove the need for punishment according to the law, but it can offer hope, even to those whose sins have made them outcasts in the eyes of others.

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“Everything Is Big in Texas””


Everything Is Big in Texas

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on
the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The
person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving
in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He
exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!” The bartender replied, “Everything is
big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.”

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped and
skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to
the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t
flush!”

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