THE WALL: a blog of Baptist Voice Ministries

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.

The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons’ behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.

The husband said, ‘We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!’ The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly,’Where is God?‘

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, ‘Where is God?’ Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face, ‘WHERE IS GOD?’

At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and asked what had happened. The younger brother replied, ‘We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it.’

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. “I want to be gorgeous.” So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, “I want to be gorgeous too.” Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: “Make ’em all ugly again.“

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they ‘oohed and aahed‘ the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ,’ it’s free‘ Peter replied, ‘this is Heaven.’Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, ‘what are the green fees?‘. Peter’s reply, ‘This is heaven, you play for free.’ Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out.

‘How much to eat?’ asked the old man.’Don’t you understand yet?This is heaven, it is free!‘ Peter replied with some exasperation.‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?‘ the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, ‘That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.‘

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, ‘This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!‘

The minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said ‘Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.’

‘Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.’ The pastor shouted out,’Cross.’ Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,’The Old Rugged Cross.’

The pastor hollered out ‘Grace.‘ The congregation began to sing ‘Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.’

The pastor said ‘Power.’ The congregation sang ‘There is Power in the Blood‘

The Pastor said ‘Sex.‘ The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old eighty seven year old grandmother stood up and began to sing ‘Precious Memories.’

And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, ‘Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?’

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bagsshort of a camel load, but simply said,‘How, dear?’ And Dot replied, ‘I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).’

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, ‘There will be a lot of banging in the land.’

And Abraham replied, ‘It is my most fervent wish that this be so.’ And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William’s drumsticks.

And Dot did say, ‘Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.’ And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, ‘eBay,’ he said, ‘We need a name of a service that reflects what we are.’ And Dot replied, ‘Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.‘

‘Whoopee!’ said Abraham.’

‘No, YAHOO!‘ said Dot Com.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

The next day during the wedding ceremony, the time came for the bride and groom to exchange their vows. The pastor looked the young man in the eye and said, “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped, looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.” He then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”