THE WALL: a blog of Baptist Voice Ministries

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’

The guy replies, ‘I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.’

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.’

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.’

St Peter consults his list.

He says to the minister, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.’

‘Just a minute,’ says the minister. ‘That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?’

‘Up here, we work by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.’

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten The red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a hold ing cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally… I assumed you had stolen the car.”

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah“.

The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him“.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

The Ears Have It

Three friends decided to go deer hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher.

As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot simultaneously. Immediately the buck dropped to the ground and all three rushed up to see how big it actually was.

Upon reaching it they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole. Thus a debate followed concerning whose buck it was.

A few minutes later a game officer came by and asked what the problem was. The doctor told him their reason for the debate. The officer told them he would take a look and tell them who shot it.

Within a few seconds the game officer said with much confidence, “The pastor shot the buck!”

They all wondered how he knew that so quickly.

The officer said, “Easy. The bullet went in one ear and out the other.”

At a recent pastor’s retreat each minister in attendance was asked the following question: “How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb?” The answers were as follows.

A Presbyterian Pastor responded, “None. If God wants the bulb screwed in he is sovereign and will do it himself without human effort.”

A Charismatic Pastor replied, “None. The bulb doesn’t need to be changed. We should pray that it be healed.”

A Pentecostal Pastor said, “None. We simply need to cast out from the bulb the demon of darkness.”

The Fundamentalist Pastor stated, “None. We shouldn’t even enter the room because we need to keep ourselves separate from all darkness.”

A Baptist Pastor responded, “None. If we allow physical contact between a person and the bulb it might lead to dancing.”

The Wesleyan Minister replied, “None. If we just show the bulb its need, it already possesses the power to screw itself in.”

A Non-Denominational Pastor said, “None. We don’t want to make the bulb feel unwanted or uncomfortable.”

This poll provides one clear conclusion: it’s no wonder pastors are always in the dark.

Billy Graham and Little Boy

Billy Graham tells of a time, during the early years of his preaching ministry, when he was due to lead a crusade meeting in a town in South Carolina, and he needed to mail a letter. He asked a little boy in the main street how he could get to the post office. After the boy had given him directions, Billy said, “If you come to the central Baptist church tonight, I’ll tell you how to get to heaven.” The boy replied, “No thanks, you don’t even know how to get to the post office!”